My mind seems to be a never ending battleground between normal everyday thoughts and moments of jaw clenching anxiety. Lately, against my best efforts, the monster that is anxiety has reared it’s ugly head again, and I find myself at times wondering if I’ll ever be free from it.
Of course one can’t live in the moment if they’re worrying about what the future holds, so I followed one of my new years resolutions last night and hunkered down to meditate. Although I normally interrupt myself with thoughts a few times during my sessions, they typically go pretty smoothly. Last night however, wasn’t the case. It went a little something like this:
*Sits down to meditate*
“Ommmmmmmmmmygosh did I forget to put my laundry in the dryer?”
“What kind of people eat blue cheese? If I switched out blue cheese with a smelly sock, would anyone notice?”
*Glances at self in mirror* “Holy shit I look like a potato. If you took a potato and put 4 toothpicks in it for limbs and put it beside me, no one would be able to tell the difference.”
“How long will it take for me to not look like a potato? Were the people who named the potato and tomato the same people? If not, were they mad the other name was so close, or were they delighted and formed a long lasting friendship?
“I should eat more tomatoes. They’re delicious with ranch. Everything’s more delicious with ranch. I’m going to wear that as a perfume for a while and see if people talk to me more.”
*Hears small thud* “So this is how it ends, eh? A ninja breaks into my house and an intricate fight to the death is how I’ll go out. I wonder if he has those ninja throwing stars. It would be weird if everyone had those instead of guns. Much more dramatic probably. Movie idea: write a western, except instead of guns, all the cowboys have ninja throwing stars.”
“Maybe the ninja and I end up friends. Maybe the ninja realizes he has the wrong house, but as soon as he sees me he falls madly in love with me and we move to a nice suburban home where he gives up his ninja and becomes an accountant. His name is Tom.”
“What exactly is the difference between llamas and alpacas? Alpacas seem a lot friendlier. Omg. In the western movie with ninja throwing stars, the cowboys also ride llamas instead of horses. This is going to be a gold mine. I’ll see if Harrison Ford is available.”
Once the 10 minute timer was up, and I realized I had focused on my breath for approximately 5.2 seconds, I was slightly discouraged. But alas, with all things in life, habits take time to form. So I will again find myself cross-legged tonight, back at it, wondering what else I can add to the ninja throwing star-western llama movie.